Broken

I am venting. We have had about as much bad news as we can stand. The birth mom in Montana, who is due the end of August with a little girl, just told us last night she changed her mind and is keeping the baby. That was my last thread of hope and I have nothing now. I bawled most of the night and just feel devastated. We have had a total of 8 people contact us about adoption and nothing has worked. Besides that, the people who were going to rent our house for a few years never called us back so that is not going to happen. The realtor we talked to today said a house like ours will probably sell for under a $100,000, which is WAY less than what we bought it for and we have put about $10,000 into it. That would crush us financially! So we may be stuck here but we are still quitting our jobs the end of July. Cameron no longer wants to go back to school but does not know what he wants to do. We both hate our current jobs and need a change. I feel so broken right now and I don't even know what to pray for. I know Heavenly Father answers prayers but maybe we are praying for the wrong things. What are we supposed to learn? I have thought of several cliche's that could apply to our situation right now and I don't want to hear any of them: "The night is always darker right before the dawn," "it could always be worse," "It will all work out," and the all time worst thing for me to hear: "Don't worry; as soon as you adopt, you will get pregnant. Everybody does." Grrrrr.
Okay I am done venting. Hopefully my next post will be a little more postivie!

Wet and Wild Fun!

What do we do when we are feeling blue? We play in the water! We went rafting Friday night with 3 other couples near Massacre Rock in between Pocatello and Burley and it was a blast! It was actually a disaster but that made it all the more fun. Cameron's dad bought a raft this year and it is being stored in our driveway for now and we have gone 3 times this year already. We decided to invite friends and go on Friday night, which was supposedly had the best forecast out of the week. Ha!

First of all, we were driving down the freeway in the rain with our huge raft strapped to the back of our pick-up when our friend happened to glance out the window just in time to see my jacket, which was in a duffel bag in the back of the pick-up, fly through the air and onto the road. We slammed on the brakes and pulled over and Tim jogged back to go get it. As he was running down the side of the free-way, he glanced up to notice a black "something" blow into the air clear behind us as a semi drove past. I guess my wet-suit had blown out of the duffel before we had noticed the bag open. So we had to get off the next exit and turn around to go get the wetsuit. It was my fault--I forgot to zip the duffel closed! Whoops.

Next, we unloaded and got ready to get in the raft when we noticed lightning and thunder. There were some drunk campers on the dock talking with us and they thought we were crazy. "We are," we answered and took off cheering wildly. 10 minutes onto the river a huge wind came up and it started raining like crazy. We were able to pull the raft over into a tree (literally) and climb onto a marshy bank where we hauled the raft onto the bank and made a shelter with the raft. We were in teeshirts and swimming suits and it was freezing cold huddled under the raft. It sounds awful but we were laughing so hard at our predicament and wondering what the drunk campers were thinking about us now. They could still see us if they used binocculors!

We waited about 20 minutes and then the rain slowed down. Shivering and covered with leaves from crashing into the tree, we took off down the river again. 10 minutes later, we see a police car on the opposite bank slowing following us along the bank! We are thinking one of the campers called the police because they thought we might be in trouble! We were laughing so hard and we just waved at him.

We finally got to the rapids and it was awesome and a huge wave came into the boat. We were all screaming and laughing and were glad our friends' kids did not come this time. To top it off, we had to all load into the pick-up at the take-out point and there were 8 adults jammed into our pick-up. Very uncomfortable. Aw, the memories we made! Enjoy the pictures.

Why So Hard?

I really don't want to write this post, but for some reason I feel like I should. May was such a hard month for us. We felt prompted to turn down our match with the birth mother in Louisiana due in August because we had not heard ANYTHING from her or her case worker and still did not even know her due date. It just didn't feel right. Right at the end of April, we were contacted by another birth mom in Montana and we have been writing back and forth with her every few days since then. A few days after we declined with the bmom, her caseworker e-mailed our caseworker who then called me. The birth mom finally showed up to her appt with him and was completely oblivious to the fact that we had been trying to get information about her for the last three months. She gave the caseworker all the information we needed and everything was fine. The caseworker said, "I think your couple will want to reconsider." She is having a c-section August 1st and the baby is doing great. Well, we said we would need some time to think about it and worried what should we do. Where was our peaceful assurance of which birth mother to choose? We did not know when the birth mother in Mt is due and we still don't. While pondering this, we got another e-mail from a birth mother through Parent Profiles. She was looking for placement for her 3-year-old daughter, Paightyn. The mother had no family support and has ovarian cancer and wants her daughter to have a good life. Her letter just ripped my heart out and I wrote her back, explaining we were kinda already matched but would like to learn more. She poured her heart out to us and sent us pictures of Paightyn. Cameron and I felt such peace after reading her e-mail and seeing P's picture and we knew this was "it." We had never considered toddler adoption but we just knew this was what we were supposed to do. Our caseworker was upset that we had 3 birth mothers "dangling" at this point so we declined our match with the one in Louisiana. K, this new bmom was okay with us still being matched with the other one, even excited about P being a big sister soon. So, in a whirlwind of emotions, two days later we drove to Dallas, Tx to meet her. 22 hours in the car one way! We spent four days down there and had a blast and continued to feel peace. P is so adorable and we fell in love. We got our paper work going with the attornies but the Bmom had not signed anything yet. She wanted a week and half with P so her friends and family who lived in Iowa could say good-bye. We drove home, agreeing to come back down the next friday, June 3. Our families and most of our ward knew about this trip and everyone was so happy for us and we had tons of support. During the next week, as we prepared her room and made plans with our jobs, things were not adding up with some of her texts and e-mails. Finally, Tuesday night (two days ago) she e-mailed us and said that she needed to "put the breaks on" because she was not comfortable with everything. So she backed out and we were left devastated. I think the hardest part is having such a powerful confirmation that she was supposed to be in our home and wondering why. I have never seen Cameron so excited or happy as with our time with Paightyn. We have decided that everyone has their free agency no matter how many prayers are offered and of course Satan would not want P to come to our home where we have the Gospel. It has been a really hard few days and we are just trying to come to terms. Fortunately the Bmom in Mt is still contacting us and knows the whole situation and is becoming a good friend. We don't know where it will lead but I just know we can't give up and have to keep putting our hearts on the line so that we can have a family. In the end, I know we will look back on this and see why we have had to go through this hard time. We even had two more bmoms contact us through parent profiles while we were down with Tx and we turned both of them down, referring them to my cousin and a few friends who want to adopt. We feel that is right but it is hard to know we still do not have a child. I am struggling with anger right now most of all because I hate my situation in life. I want to be a mother so bad. I hate having to commute to work each day, I hate my job, I hate how quiet my house is, etc, etc. This is something I have to work through and I am sorry I am so negative. Today I have felt better after pouring out my heart in prayer and I have a stronger testimony of the love my Savior has for me. I also know that none of this matters if I don't have Cameron beside me. So although I am tempted to be angry and bitter even at him, I know that when we are united in love, we can get through anything. So Cameron I love you and thank you for letting me cry my eyes out to you last night. We are in this together and we will get through this!