Why So Hard?

I really don't want to write this post, but for some reason I feel like I should. May was such a hard month for us. We felt prompted to turn down our match with the birth mother in Louisiana due in August because we had not heard ANYTHING from her or her case worker and still did not even know her due date. It just didn't feel right. Right at the end of April, we were contacted by another birth mom in Montana and we have been writing back and forth with her every few days since then. A few days after we declined with the bmom, her caseworker e-mailed our caseworker who then called me. The birth mom finally showed up to her appt with him and was completely oblivious to the fact that we had been trying to get information about her for the last three months. She gave the caseworker all the information we needed and everything was fine. The caseworker said, "I think your couple will want to reconsider." She is having a c-section August 1st and the baby is doing great. Well, we said we would need some time to think about it and worried what should we do. Where was our peaceful assurance of which birth mother to choose? We did not know when the birth mother in Mt is due and we still don't. While pondering this, we got another e-mail from a birth mother through Parent Profiles. She was looking for placement for her 3-year-old daughter, Paightyn. The mother had no family support and has ovarian cancer and wants her daughter to have a good life. Her letter just ripped my heart out and I wrote her back, explaining we were kinda already matched but would like to learn more. She poured her heart out to us and sent us pictures of Paightyn. Cameron and I felt such peace after reading her e-mail and seeing P's picture and we knew this was "it." We had never considered toddler adoption but we just knew this was what we were supposed to do. Our caseworker was upset that we had 3 birth mothers "dangling" at this point so we declined our match with the one in Louisiana. K, this new bmom was okay with us still being matched with the other one, even excited about P being a big sister soon. So, in a whirlwind of emotions, two days later we drove to Dallas, Tx to meet her. 22 hours in the car one way! We spent four days down there and had a blast and continued to feel peace. P is so adorable and we fell in love. We got our paper work going with the attornies but the Bmom had not signed anything yet. She wanted a week and half with P so her friends and family who lived in Iowa could say good-bye. We drove home, agreeing to come back down the next friday, June 3. Our families and most of our ward knew about this trip and everyone was so happy for us and we had tons of support. During the next week, as we prepared her room and made plans with our jobs, things were not adding up with some of her texts and e-mails. Finally, Tuesday night (two days ago) she e-mailed us and said that she needed to "put the breaks on" because she was not comfortable with everything. So she backed out and we were left devastated. I think the hardest part is having such a powerful confirmation that she was supposed to be in our home and wondering why. I have never seen Cameron so excited or happy as with our time with Paightyn. We have decided that everyone has their free agency no matter how many prayers are offered and of course Satan would not want P to come to our home where we have the Gospel. It has been a really hard few days and we are just trying to come to terms. Fortunately the Bmom in Mt is still contacting us and knows the whole situation and is becoming a good friend. We don't know where it will lead but I just know we can't give up and have to keep putting our hearts on the line so that we can have a family. In the end, I know we will look back on this and see why we have had to go through this hard time. We even had two more bmoms contact us through parent profiles while we were down with Tx and we turned both of them down, referring them to my cousin and a few friends who want to adopt. We feel that is right but it is hard to know we still do not have a child. I am struggling with anger right now most of all because I hate my situation in life. I want to be a mother so bad. I hate having to commute to work each day, I hate my job, I hate how quiet my house is, etc, etc. This is something I have to work through and I am sorry I am so negative. Today I have felt better after pouring out my heart in prayer and I have a stronger testimony of the love my Savior has for me. I also know that none of this matters if I don't have Cameron beside me. So although I am tempted to be angry and bitter even at him, I know that when we are united in love, we can get through anything. So Cameron I love you and thank you for letting me cry my eyes out to you last night. We are in this together and we will get through this!